Outlaws, Were-Bears, and Skunks

I’ve been reading the Gesta Herwardi (“The Deeds of Herward” a.k.a. “Hereward the Wake”), one of the original outlaw stories from England (although it’s written not in English, but in Latin—because, no doubt, Everything Is Better With Latin!™). The Robin Hood collection from T.E.A.M.S. that I got last week includes a translation of Gesta Herwardi, but (a.) it’s abridged, and (b.) it’s a translation. (There’s no translation like no translation.) I found the Latin in a couple places at the Internet Archive and have been plowing though it. (The text that the Robin Hoods translated is at the end of this edition of Gaimar’s English Chronicle. A bilingual edition with an English translation by Henry Sweeting appeared serially in Fenland Notes and Queries.)

It’s pretty good so far. Herward, like young Grettir Stark, seems to have been a jagoff in his youth: partying at his parents’ expense, defeating everybody at sports in the most insulting way, quarrelling and fighting with everybody, until he finally gets kicked out and his adventures proper begin. He kills a terrifying bear, who is himself the son of a famous bear that had human hands and feet, could talk, and was wily in the ways of war. This Norwegian were-bear abducted a young woman who later gave birth to Beorn (“bear”), King of Norway. The bear that Herward fights is apparently the were-bear’s son by a different consort, because he’s all-bear but very large and savage.

Later Herward runs up against a giant warrior called Ulcus Ferreus, kind of a weird name. The ferreus is pretty straightforward: it means “(made of) iron”. But ulcus just means “sore” in Latin (coming into English as ulcer). I couldn’t believe there was a guy running around with the name “the Iron Sore”, so I looked up Sweeting’s translation to see if he offered any alternatives, but he just translates it as “Iron Sore”.

To my mind Ulcus is more likely a non-Latin name that’s had a Latin ending tacked on (which is how the writer treats most of the non-Latin names in their text, starting with Herward himself). I just can’t figure out what that name would be.

The guy in question is Scottish, and ulk might be a Celtic root, but those languages are closed doors to me, so I haven’t had any luck finding one that might fit here. I wanted the name to be something like Hulk, which has a nice comic-booky feel for a giant warrior, and hulcus is an Old English word, deriving from Medieval Latin hulcus (“a bulky ship that needs to be towed”). But I can’t figure out a reason for the initial h to be dropped, unless there were some proto-Cockneys running around northern Britain in the early Middle Ages.

The same Proto-Indo-European root that produces ulcus in Latin yields words meaning “rotten, stinking” in some Germanic languages. (Or maybe those are loans from Latin ulcus; sores do sometimes rot and stink, especially if the medical care is on the ancient/medieval level.) And ulk is a dialect word for “skunk” in Dutch., according to Wiktionary and the Etymologiebank at the Meertens Institute.

So I’m calling this guy “Iron Skunk” until forced by lawsuits or superior philology to do otherwise. Maybe Iron Skunk will pal around with Ratlick in an upcoming Morlock story.

Speaking of skunks: I was looking for an image or two of Herward to brighten up the dusty, skunky tedium of this post and I found quite a few public domain images. A lot of them had been watermarked by copyleft-thieves like Getty and Alamy, who will charge you a few hundred dollars for images that they don’t own and should not control. That stuff should be illegal.

Screenshot of a page at Getty Images where they offer to make you pay for an image in the public domain.
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Some Typos are Typoier Than Others

Typo of the day, possibly of the decade, is Ratlick, for an intended Tatlock (the author of an old myth textbook).

The cover of Jessie Tatlock's GREEK AND ROMAN MYTHOLOGY, from a scan at the Internet Archive.
Screenshot

If a character named Ratlick doesn’t appear in an upcoming Morlock story, my name isn’t James Enge. (Um. So I guess that may or may not happen.)

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New Editions of Old Stories

Reading about cops and robbers today.

a photo of the books named in the caption
Left: The Black Dog Books edition of Norvell Page’s City of Corpses: The Collected Weird Mysteries of Ken Carter.
Right: The TEAMS edition of Robin Hood and Other Outlaw Tales (edd. Knight and Ohlgren).
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There Are Limits

I’ve been watching through The Outer Limits (1963-1965), a show I have fond memories of from when I was a kid.

Title card for THE OUTER LIMITS: the name of the show displayed atop a sine wave.

Uff da. They’re mostly terrible so far. The best episode of the first five was 1.4 “The Man with the Power”, with Donald Pleasance, a pretty good story–but a lot better when it was the plot of Forbidden Planet seven years earlier.

Left, Walter Pidgeon as Dr. Morbius in FORBIDDEN PLANET. Right, Donald Pleasance as Harold Finley in "The Man With the Power".
Each of these men is sharing his brain
with someone he doesn’t know very well.
That person is… himself!

The next episode is another–homage, let’s say, to older sf: this one borrowing from Hamilton’s “The Man Who Evolved” (1931). Edward Mulhare plays a scientist intent on exploring the secrets of humankind’s future evolution, something Man Was Not Meant to Know (Nor Woman Either, If That’s What You’re Thinking, Éowyn).

David McCallum plays the scientist’s test subject, an unemployed coal miner with ideas above his station. In the first part of the episode, he looks like David McCallum with dirt on his face. In the second part of the episode, after he’s stepped out of Mulhare’s magic box, imbued with all the inconceivable powers latent in a human being after !T*E*N! !T*H*O*U*S*A*N*D! !Y*E*A*R*S! of evolution, he looks like… Larry Fine from the Three Stooges.

I described it as well as I can in the captions.
Left: Larry, Larry he’s so Fine
Middle: Edward Mulhare as Professor Mathers (first name Jerry?)
Right: Larry Fine again, or a highly evolved David McCallum

This was too dark a vision of the future for me to handle at the moment, so I turned it off. I’ll finish it later when I feel more able to peer into the abyss.

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Thrush to Judgement

I’ve been rereading Petronius’ Satyricon, to take my mind off the imminent death of democracy in America. It’s not working that well, because Trimalchio (the wealthy boor who is the anti-protagonist of his own episode in the novel) keeps reminding me of Trump. Which is really unfair to Trimalchio, a man who used to work for a living and apparently had some business sense, unlike the Orange Buffoon.

Black-and-white mosaic of a skeleton with a couple of pitchers in hand and ready to party. Found in Pompeii, it's currently in the Museo Archeologico Nazionale in Naples.
A memento mori from Pompeii, echoing a famous passage where Trimalchio displays an articulated skeleton made of silver and says, Sic erimus cuncti, postquam nos auferet Orcus (“Thus we will all be, after Death carries us off”), along with other things that Trump would be unable to say or think in English or any other language.

I just got to the part where Trimalchio has a giant boar brought in on a serving dish, accompanied by long-nosed hunting dogs and servants dressed as hunters. A big guy jumps forward with a hunting knife and slashes open the boar’s side, and a bunch of turds fly out. Sort of.

barbatus ingens, fasciis cruralibus alligatus et alicula subornatus polymita, strictoque venatorio cultro latus apri vehementer percussit, ex cuius plaga turdi evolaverunt.

—Petronius, Satyricon 40

“A huge bearded guy, with bands tied on his legs and wearing an embroidered shirt, drew a hunting knife and savagely struck the side of the boar. From that wound, thrushes flew out.”

Latin turdus means “thrush” (and is in fact cognate with the English word). But when I see the Latin word I always think first of English turd, and it renders a completely wrong image.

The AHD says that English turd goes back to *PIE *der– “tear” and is associated with words for skin and leather (e.g. the derm– in dermatologist, from Greek δέρμα “skin”). Apparently turd originally meant “discarded scraps” and was used as a euphemism for shit.

One good thing about this scatological homonym: if there were a Latin translation of The Man from U.N.C.L.E., the crappy organization that the bad guys work for would be TURDUS.

The box of a "thrush-Buster" tou car, a tie-in with the old "Man from UNCLE" TV series
Someone’s selling this on Ebay for 250 UK pounds.
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Pane/Counterpane

I’ve often wondered what was counter about counterpane—whether it was somehow the opposite of pane (e.g. “a pane of glass”).

Turns out: no. In fact, says the AHD, Old French countrepointe is an eggcorn for coultepointe, derived from Medieval Latin culcita puncta, “stitched quilt”.

English pane, on the other hand is derived from Latin pannus “piece of cloth”; likewise English panel. They’re cognate with English vane, derived from OE fana “flag/banner”.

There has been no point to this entry, only a counterpoint.

see the caption for a description
screenshot of Jane Curtin and Dan Ackroyd in the old “Point/Counterpoint” sketch from SNL
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Carney Knowledge: MADBALL by Fredric Brown

Fredric Brown was one of the best writers of sf at shorter lengths–especially very short lengths. His story “Knock” was so short he had to write a longer story to embed it in. His “Puppet Show” brilliantly mocked the Campbellian idea of human supremacy (and, by implication, white supremacy). He could do bone-chilling horror (e.g. “The Geezenstacks” or “Nightmare in Blue”), light comedy (e.g. “Star Mouse” or “Placet is a Crazy Place”), space adventure (e.g. the classic “Arena”, a great story made into an even greater Star Trek episode, in case you thought I’d forgotten that Everything Is Star Trek!™): you name it, he did it.

see the caption
left: a b&w photo of Fredric Brown I stole from someone who didn’t own it;
right: the title card from the Star Trek episode based on Brown’s “Arena”

He was also a fairly mediocre writer of sf at shorter lengths. When you’re writing at a penny or two per word and trying to live on what you write, I guess you write a lot of dreck. (I went into some of the details a few years ago here, reviewing the NESFA collection of his short sf for Black Gate.) Not all of his sf is worth rereading and rereading. Well, so what? He still scored a lot better than Sturgeon’s Law would suggest.

Someone once said to me (I forget who) that Brown’s mystery work was even better than his sf stuff. I hope I was at least polite, but I didn’t believe this for a second.

Now I’ve read some more of his mystery stuff, though, and I’m starting to think. Old What’s-their-name had a point. (I’ll never forget Old What’s-their-name.)

Exhibit A for the Defense of Fredric Brown: Madball, a crime novel from 1953. (I read the e-book from Black Gat books, which retained Griffith Foxley’s wonderfully pulpy cover art from the original Dell paperback.)

The cover of the aforesaid MADBALL. In the cover painting, a "talker" is addressing a crowd milling around looking at the young women dressed for a posing show. In the background is a carnival midway.

It’s hard to know how to describe Madball. It’s about a murder and its aftermath, which includes several other murders. There’s some mystery, but it is not a murder mystery because the book bluntly explains to you early on who the murderer is. The mystery is really about what happened to the money which was the motive for the first murder—where it came from and where it went to and who’s going to get it in the end. But there’s no detective in this mystery. We follow some of the characters around through the story, whose least loose end is carefully, not to say brutally, tied off before the book’s close. When they’re done, it’s done.

The murders occur at a carnival, and most of the characters in the book are carneys of various descriptions. “Madball” is carney slang for the crystal ball used by a guy running a soothsayer act. The carnival’s soothsayer, Dr. Magus, is the closest thing the novel has to a main character. He’s interested in the first murder that occurred primarily because the murdered man was the sole survivor of a bank heist, whose proceeds seem to be hidden at the carnival or near one of the sites it’s visited in the past few months. Doc is a lazy bastard who doesn’t expect much out of life, but he’s a smart bastard who wants that money so that he can get more than he’s been expecting.

Sometimes we see the story from his point of view; sometimes we see events from the viewpoint of Sammy, a developmentally disabled teenager who’s been taken up as a punk (in the technical sense current in the first half of the 20th century) by the guy who runs one of the carnival games; sometimes we see through the eyes of the murderer; sometimes we see through the eyes of the murderer’s future victims.

Brown shows us entertainers, con artists, sex workers, people engaged in same-sex and other-sex relations, killers, thieves, all without judgement. Brown, invisible as Shakespeare, puts them on the stage and lets them work out their destinies without editorial comment. He never tells us all the tricks waiting in the narrative wings, until it’s time to reveal them for maximum impact, but he is careful to let us know more than the characters, so that there’s an ironic tension between us and them.

The characters belong to a subculture that few are familiar with, but they’re as ordinary and unremarkable as a cheese sandwich. Still Brown’s carefully constructed plot, a tragedy of fulfilled wishes, invests them with dignity and their fates fall like lightning bolts. This is a book to read and reread.

It’s not science fiction… and yet, it sort of is. Doc Magus is a liar and a con man who uses cold reading to get people to reveal their secrets to him, even as they think he’s revealing their secrets to them. But the irony that shapes his fate is: he does have a kind of clairvoyance. It doesn’t affect the plot so much as unify it. I hesitate to say more, for fear of spoiling the story’s effects.

Go ahead and read it, if you haven’t. I don’t think you’ll be mad at me for recommending it.

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Hair Apparent

I was turning for comfort and relief to Seneca, as I often do, when he turned around and stabbed me in the eyeball with this triple-forked slam. He’s writing about his contemporaries who have screwed-up priorities. His contemporaries, but maybe also ours.

Quis est istorum qui non malit rem publicam turbari quam comam suam? qui non sollicitior sit de capitis sui decore quam de salute? qui non comptior esse malit quam honestior?

—Seneca, De Brevitate Vitae 12.3

Who among these creeps wouldn’t prefer that the republic be in disarray, rather than his hair? Who of them wouldn’t be more concerned about how his scalp appears than about his health? Who of them wouldn’t prefer to be more well-groomed than more honest?”

detail of a photo displaying Donald Trump's weird combover
The weird hair of a former president.
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Breslin vs. Trump

As Fate or Chaos would have it, the LoA collection of Jimmy Breslin arrived on my doorstep this week, so that on the evening when Trump’s guilty verdict was announced in Manhattan, I got to read Breslin’s verdict on Trump from 34 years earlier.

screenshot of the news article linked in the caption
Screenshot of the ABC newsgraphic here: “Trump guilty on all 34 counts

As I wrote on social media last night, I hadn’t been sanguine about a verdict, and was relieved to be wrong.

I was secretly convinced that it would be a hung jury, because Trump has skated away from consequence so often. But I should have remembered that New Yorkers have always had Trump’s number; it’s the rest of the country that got duped by THE APPRENTICE etc.

My blanket praise of New Yorkers should not be construed to include the New York Times–then and now, A Part of the Problem!™ I was interested to read Breslin’s take on Trump “The Master of the Steal”, a column that appeared in Newsday back in 1990.

Cover of BRESLIN: ESSENTIAL WRITINGS (Library of America, 2014) with a photo of a gray-haired Breslin.

Trump was going through one of his periodic stages of bankruptcy and financial disaster at the time, but Breslin, though contemptuous of Trump, was confident that he would find more people to give him money. “Trump survives by Corum’s Law,” said Breslin.

What is Corum’s Law, and who was Corum? Not the Michael Moorcock character, unfortunately. Bill Corum was a sometime journalist who was hired to run the Kentucky Derby at a time of crisis: “Newspapers all over the world claimed Louisville was a place where Derby visitors were robbed.”

Corum took the job, but he insisted that the problem was not a problem.

“If a guy from North Dakota goes home from here after the race and has to be met because he doesn’t even have cab fare, that guy is going to say to himself, ‘Wow, I must have had a hell of a time. I can’t wait for next year.’ But if that same guy goes home and still has half his money, he is going to say, ‘I guess I didn’t have such a great time after all.’

“Because, gentlemen, this is the rule. A sucker has to get screwed.”

—Bill Corum, quoted in Breslin’s “The Master of the Steal”

Breslin explains Trump’s otherwise inexplicable success with banks and other suckers (like the NYT) by applying Corum’s Law.

It goes a long way to explaining Trump’s television and political career. Suckers have to get screwed, and they flock to his banner. He’s the Sunk Cost Fallacy in (approximately) human form.

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Happy Days Are Where, Again?

So I got an Apple Pencil to use with my iPad. Like everything else produced by Apple it’s a Guaranteed Game-Changer™ that is guaranteed to change your life, or at least your GAME. (I’m been a Mac-user since the early 90s, and in that time I’ve found that the only thing more boring than a Windows/Android evangelist is an Apple evangelist.)

I didn’t figure that the thing would magnify my already remarkable gift for the visual arts. (See below for some evidence of this.) Still, I had some hope for the Scribble function. The idea is, you write with the Apple Pencil, and it converts what you’re writing into etext.

In olden days, because I hated the sound of a typewriter, I would do all my early drafts in a notebook and then laboriously transcribe them into a legible final draft via a typewriter. When I got my first computer I gave up notebooks and started writing first drafts in a word processor.

But my brain and hand have not forgotten their decades-long habit of using notebooks; I kind of miss the messy scribal freedom of handwriting. I’m too lazy to go back to the old practice of transcribing the notebook, though. Plus: no backups! What if you lose the notebook?

Hence the Apple Pencil. In some ways, it’s the ultimate Apple device, because it has no controls or buttons at all. It’s supposed to Just Work.

Well, it didn’t—not straight out of the box. It paired with my iPad when I connected them magnetically, but every time I removed the pen from the iPad it would disconnect. I consulted the interwebs about this problem, which a bunch of people apparently have. The answers were uniformly unhelpful: “turn the machine off and then on” sort of stuff, along which a lot of foamy “You’ll never look back!” recycled ad copy.

I left the pencil sitting on the iPad to charge to 100%, and that was what did the trick. Below is my first effort.

The image is a stick figure with a big schnozz and a lot of hair on his face and head. The text reads "Happy Days are HERE AGAIN!"

So it’s pretty good for doodling–not quite as good as a chalkboard, but okay. The words were written doing the Scribble function, which takes some getting used to. It took me about four or five times as long to write those words via Scribble as it would have if I had just typed them. The program has real trouble decoding my handwriting–not the first or last entity to have that trouble, I guess. I had to edit nearly every word to make it say what I intended, and they ended up scattered over the page in a confusing fashion. Plus, if you pause for a microsecond while handwriting, Scribble thinks you’re done and tries to make a word fragment into a word.

Below is an unedited sample. I handwrote, “So here I am writing with my Apple Pencil,” which it turned into the gibberish you see, and then “Happy days are here again!” which it turned into “Happy days where again!” Which is a whole mood, I guess, but well off the intended target.

The displayed etext reads "So here I am
Writing with my perm I apple"

Below is a handwritten version of "Happy days are here again!" wheich has been converted to "Happy days are where again!"

There are no failed experiments, only failed experimenters. I guess this was worth trying. But it looks like I’m going to have to forego handwriting my drafts or accept the extra work that goes with them.

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